My Trust Is In...

My trust is in God.

Not drugs. Not doctors. Not my own faith or prayers. Not the faith or prayers of anyone I know. Not in anyone's ideas or knowledge.

God. Jesus. The Holy Spirit.

The only ones I trust.

There Is No "Try And"

Okay now I'm going to attempt to fix the grammar of the world. At least, the English speaking part. Mainly America. I'm not so prideful as to think I could fix the grammar of other languages. And the Brits and the Aussies are on their own.

Cease the "try and" people. Desist. It is grammatically incorrect and annoying.

Let me explain. I often hear and/or read a sentence similar to the following: "I'll try and go tonight but I'm not sure I can." Or, "He should try and do it like I told him to in the first place."

Ugh. I feel gross just writing that. I actually had some difficulty forming those sentences. Do you see the error here?

Try to go.

Try to do.

There is no either here. No conjunction. (Conjunction junction! What's your function?)

I'll prove my point with a little bit of logic and a whole lot of thesaurus-ing.

"I'll try and go tonight but I'm not sure I can."

"I'll try in addition to go tonight but I'm not sure I can." Nope.

"I'll try plus go tonight but I'm not sure I can." Wrong.

"I'll try as well as go tonight but I'm not sure I can." Definitely not.

Now if I change out the word "try"...

"I'll endeavor and go tonight but I'm not sure I can." Uh huh.

"I'll strive and go tonight but I'm not sure I can."  No.

"I'll attempt and go tonight but I'm not sure I can." I don't think so, Tim.

See what I'm getting at? Let's see what a little "to" will do...

"I'll endeavor to go tonight but I'm not sure I can." Yes!

 "I'll strive to go tonight but I'm not sure I can." Woohoo!

"I'll attempt to go tonight but I'm not sure I can." Right again, kemosabe!

Therefore:

"I'll try to go tonight but I'm not sure I can." 

See how much better this is? See my point? Just admit it, I'm right.

More Honesty

In my quest to get back in the swing of blogging, I didn't want to break my nearly four months' absence with anything too deep or serious. I wanted to be funny and random and sarcastic.

Yet, I knew I needed to write out what I wrote last night. Somehow, I just knew that if I wrote out the nasty thoughts in my head, and then asked God to speak, He would. That if I got them out of my head, where I could see them with my eyes, God would reveal to me just how wrong those thoughts are, and His truth would shine through.

And He did. 

He's still speaking.

I wanted to come back today and fix the grammar of the world. (I have high expectations.)

But as I drove home from church tonight, I knew I needed to do a little bit of followup. 

Though I never said the word yesterday, the overwhelming emotion I felt was rejection.

Reject.

Such an ugly word. But that's how I felt. For a very long time. I'm not sure where it started, but I tell you with a heart full of joy that tonight, it ended.

I am not a reject.

When I looked back at my past, this false emotion had tainted everything. Feeling rejected, I viewed every action of everyone else as rejection. I thought myself a reject. And so, I sought to avoid rejection. I rejected first or held back my true heart or simply ignored everyone. And when others were off put by my aloofness or whatever, they did not reject me, per se, but I saw rejection. Thus the cycle continued. Don't put yourself out there, because you'll only be hurt.

When I tried to break the cycle on my own, put myself out there for the first time in a long time, if not the first time ever, the pressure of this rejection belief built up to the breaking point. One small sentence in a text sent me reeling.

Rejected.

But I wasn't rejected. Not really.

But those voices shouted out, "SEE?!? I TOLD YOU SO!!"

And God said, "What a bunch of crap."

Maybe He didn't use those words exactly. Maybe He did. That's definitely the attitude.

Tonight, I shared a small slice of this with some friends. I cried. I've done that a lot lately. But I think I'm about done crying over this.

You see, on my drive home, God spoke again.

"You are not a reject. You are chosen."

Now my analytical self could sit here and try to figure out exactly what He means. But, in my heart, I know that will not help. Rather, what I will do now is bask in my chosen-ness. I will be content with this. If you could see me now, you would not see any tears, but a happy, content, sleepy smile. I will trust in Him. I will rest in Him.

Dear readers, whoever you are, I encourage you, in your own moments of weakness or despair, ask God what He's trying to say to you. Whatever He says and however He says it, listen.

"For the Word of God is living and active..."

Active. Now. Here.

Listen.

A Moment of Honesty

Once upon a time, I watched a movie. And read a book. And watched a TV show. And read a fairy tale.

And this is what I learned: Some day, a man will come into my life.

This will not be like any other man.

He will be intrigued by my quirks. Drawn to my weirdness. Not intimidated by my self-sufficiency and independence. He will appreciate my love of sports and dislike of shopping. Love my hair and my scars and my insecurities.

He will thank God for everything about me.

And yet, here I sit, almost 29, alone.

I know I'm not completely alone. I have amazing friends, an incredible family, and an extraordinary, spectacular, miraculous God. I hope I don't sound discontent when I say this, but my life is missing something.

That God has not called me to a life of celibacy. I know I'm going to get married someday. And every day that someday passes is a little harder.

Some days are easier than others. And then the bad days come and every negative thought is screaming in my head, drowning out the still small voice of truth.

Can I be honest? Can I tell you what is loudest? Honestly, I'm not sure where half of these thoughts came from.

I'm single because there's something wrong with me.

I've never dated because no one has ever wanted to (or will want to) date me.

I'd better give up every dream because clearly, my chance has passed.

Who I am at my very core is ugly and therefore I deserve to be alone.

I don't like typing these out. I don't want to read them. I wish my mind was like a white board so I could figure out where these statements came from and erase every single trace of them.

I don't want to shed anymore tears. I don't want to believe this.

But I do.

As much as I want to silence these voices and find the cry of truth, it is proving difficult.

I know all the scriptures. "I know the plans..." "We are pressed, but not crushed..." "I will never leave you..." "Fear not, for I am with you..." "God is love..." "Love never fails..." "Those who wait on the Lord..." "Cast all your cares..." "Be anxious for nothing..." "Hope does not disappoint..." "Seek first the kingdom..." "Be strong and of good courage..." "Every word of God is pure..."

I know songs for some of them. And I must tell you that I do feel better at this moment just reflecting on these truths.

But I also know what life I've lived. Do not take me for a second to be saying that my life is any harder than anyone else's. I know my problems are small. First-world. Insignificant to the general universe. But that's what's in front of me. This is my reality.

As much as I wish this was something that didn't bother me, something that did not matter, all I can tell you is that it bothers me. It matters. To me at least.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick."

I'm pretty sure it matters to God, too.

I just wish I could hear what He's saying to me in these moments.

I will never leave you. I know the plans. Be strong. My strength is made perfect in your weakness. I use the foolish things to confound the wise. This is not the end. Don't give up. I like your hair. I've got each strand counted.

I love you.

Okay now I'm going to go to bed. And as I fall asleep, I choose to focus on what He's saying, instead of all that other stuff.

Good night all.

Don't give up.

He loves us.

My Bad!

I'm selfish. Self-centered. And I don't think that I'm completely abnormal.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not normal. I don't want to be normal.

But there's a difference between being abnormal and being not normal. Ah, the English language. So beautiful, so confusing. Even to those of us who are "fluent."

Anyway, I'd just like to get inside the mind of the most selfless non-God that ever existed. I say "non-God" because I was going to say human, but Jesus came down and became human and was so utterly and completely selfless that it still flabbergasts me. He didn't just come down, die for our sins, resurrect, and say, "Okay, you guys are good now, right? Peace out."

No. He put on all of our weakness, which is no small feat in itself, and never failed. Made no mistakes. Never had to say, "My bad!" or "I'm sorry." Never. From infancy. No mistakes. Dang.

On one hand, these thoughts and revelations make me look at myself and say, "Dang, you really suck at this."

On the other hand, He didn't come and do everything He did, which again, I cannot fathom, for me to bash myself on a constant basis. He came to give me hope. Hope for the future, yes, that's where I usually focus my hope. But hope for my past, that it has a purpose. And hope for my present. That right here, right now, I can choose right. That living a completely perfect life is possible. If it wasn't possible, why did He say, "Be perfect even as I am perfect"? I usually read that and think, "Pfft, yeah right!"

But, if I read it with hope, I think, "Okay. With His help, I can do this."

I can be selfless. As the saying goes, I can "think of myself less."

I don't have to, or have any need to, compare myself to anyone else. I'm good.

Me and God, we're good.

Want me to talk to Him for you about anything?