Plans

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

I am not in control.

I try. Very hard. It does not often work. When it does, I usually screw up.

Good times.

When I accept the fact that I am not in control, things usually end up a bit better... I've found that God usually has a better idea of how it should all work out than I do. He is God after all.

But you know what? God isn't in control either. (Despite the CCM song...) Our free will trumps His control. He will never strip us of the control. He has a perfect understanding of jurisdiction. But should we relinquish our hold, He will gladly "take the wheel."

I don't want Him to be my co-pilot. I will gladly hand over the keys to Him. He knows where I need to go, and how long it should take to get there, better than I ever will.

So why do I have "control issues"? Why do I have such a drive to direct how my life, and everyone else's lives around me, play out?

Pain management. Coping mechanisms. If I can control you, control me, then maybe I won't get hurt this time. Maybe you won't reject me. Maybe there will be less drama, less conflict, less unmet expectations. If I fight the battle before it comes maybe, just maybe, I can win.

But I never actually win, do I?

Because if win, someone has to lose.

My intention is never to hurt anyone else, especially those closest to me, but the prime directive of my flesh is to not get hurt, so better them than me. Better you than me.

But why must anyone get hurt?

Is there any path here that leads to a conclusion without wounds? If anyone knows that way, if anyone can find it, it's God. Jesus. Holy Spirit, guide me! Direct my steps, direct my words, direct my prayers.

Lead me in the path of righteousness. For Your Name's sake.

As I struggled with control this week, this hymn popped into my head:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

And the prayer of the boy's father is my mantra:
"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."

Lord, I trust. Help my doubt. Help my anxiety. Help my uncertainty, my distrust.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

That is the cry of my heart. To have Him directing my path, my steps, lighting my way, guiding my every moment. Oh, that it was easier. To trust Him like I trust my alarm to wake me. Trust my brakes to stop me. Trust every other car to not hit me (mostly - those snowbirds are sketchy). Trust my barista to provide my caffeine. Trust my server to not spit in my food.

How many moments of my life do I give trust without thought?! And yet, trusting the very Creator of the universe gives me pause. Handing Him the reins of my life, of even one moment delivers hesitation.

God, I trust You. With this situation and that one. With every one to follow, every one which is weighing so heavy on my heart.

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to Thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all

It's Funny Really

I've had a rough week. Last seven days, to be precise.

My Trust Is In...

My trust is in God.

Not drugs. Not doctors. Not my own faith or prayers. Not the faith or prayers of anyone I know. Not in anyone's ideas or knowledge.

God. Jesus. The Holy Spirit.

The only ones I trust.

More Honesty

In my quest to get back in the swing of blogging, I didn't want to break my nearly four months' absence with anything too deep or serious. I wanted to be funny and random and sarcastic.

Yet, I knew I needed to write out what I wrote last night. Somehow, I just knew that if I wrote out the nasty thoughts in my head, and then asked God to speak, He would. That if I got them out of my head, where I could see them with my eyes, God would reveal to me just how wrong those thoughts are, and His truth would shine through.

And He did. 

He's still speaking.

I wanted to come back today and fix the grammar of the world. (I have high expectations.)

But as I drove home from church tonight, I knew I needed to do a little bit of followup. 

Though I never said the word yesterday, the overwhelming emotion I felt was rejection.

Reject.

Such an ugly word. But that's how I felt. For a very long time. I'm not sure where it started, but I tell you with a heart full of joy that tonight, it ended.

I am not a reject.

When I looked back at my past, this false emotion had tainted everything. Feeling rejected, I viewed every action of everyone else as rejection. I thought myself a reject. And so, I sought to avoid rejection. I rejected first or held back my true heart or simply ignored everyone. And when others were off put by my aloofness or whatever, they did not reject me, per se, but I saw rejection. Thus the cycle continued. Don't put yourself out there, because you'll only be hurt.

When I tried to break the cycle on my own, put myself out there for the first time in a long time, if not the first time ever, the pressure of this rejection belief built up to the breaking point. One small sentence in a text sent me reeling.

Rejected.

But I wasn't rejected. Not really.

But those voices shouted out, "SEE?!? I TOLD YOU SO!!"

And God said, "What a bunch of crap."

Maybe He didn't use those words exactly. Maybe He did. That's definitely the attitude.

Tonight, I shared a small slice of this with some friends. I cried. I've done that a lot lately. But I think I'm about done crying over this.

You see, on my drive home, God spoke again.

"You are not a reject. You are chosen."

Now my analytical self could sit here and try to figure out exactly what He means. But, in my heart, I know that will not help. Rather, what I will do now is bask in my chosen-ness. I will be content with this. If you could see me now, you would not see any tears, but a happy, content, sleepy smile. I will trust in Him. I will rest in Him.

Dear readers, whoever you are, I encourage you, in your own moments of weakness or despair, ask God what He's trying to say to you. Whatever He says and however He says it, listen.

"For the Word of God is living and active..."

Active. Now. Here.

Listen.

A Moment of Honesty

Once upon a time, I watched a movie. And read a book. And watched a TV show. And read a fairy tale.

And this is what I learned: Some day, a man will come into my life.

This will not be like any other man.

He will be intrigued by my quirks. Drawn to my weirdness. Not intimidated by my self-sufficiency and independence. He will appreciate my love of sports and dislike of shopping. Love my hair and my scars and my insecurities.

He will thank God for everything about me.

And yet, here I sit, almost 29, alone.

I know I'm not completely alone. I have amazing friends, an incredible family, and an extraordinary, spectacular, miraculous God. I hope I don't sound discontent when I say this, but my life is missing something.

That God has not called me to a life of celibacy. I know I'm going to get married someday. And every day that someday passes is a little harder.

Some days are easier than others. And then the bad days come and every negative thought is screaming in my head, drowning out the still small voice of truth.

Can I be honest? Can I tell you what is loudest? Honestly, I'm not sure where half of these thoughts came from.

I'm single because there's something wrong with me.

I've never dated because no one has ever wanted to (or will want to) date me.

I'd better give up every dream because clearly, my chance has passed.

Who I am at my very core is ugly and therefore I deserve to be alone.

I don't like typing these out. I don't want to read them. I wish my mind was like a white board so I could figure out where these statements came from and erase every single trace of them.

I don't want to shed anymore tears. I don't want to believe this.

But I do.

As much as I want to silence these voices and find the cry of truth, it is proving difficult.

I know all the scriptures. "I know the plans..." "We are pressed, but not crushed..." "I will never leave you..." "Fear not, for I am with you..." "God is love..." "Love never fails..." "Those who wait on the Lord..." "Cast all your cares..." "Be anxious for nothing..." "Hope does not disappoint..." "Seek first the kingdom..." "Be strong and of good courage..." "Every word of God is pure..."

I know songs for some of them. And I must tell you that I do feel better at this moment just reflecting on these truths.

But I also know what life I've lived. Do not take me for a second to be saying that my life is any harder than anyone else's. I know my problems are small. First-world. Insignificant to the general universe. But that's what's in front of me. This is my reality.

As much as I wish this was something that didn't bother me, something that did not matter, all I can tell you is that it bothers me. It matters. To me at least.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick."

I'm pretty sure it matters to God, too.

I just wish I could hear what He's saying to me in these moments.

I will never leave you. I know the plans. Be strong. My strength is made perfect in your weakness. I use the foolish things to confound the wise. This is not the end. Don't give up. I like your hair. I've got each strand counted.

I love you.

Okay now I'm going to go to bed. And as I fall asleep, I choose to focus on what He's saying, instead of all that other stuff.

Good night all.

Don't give up.

He loves us.

My Bad!

I'm selfish. Self-centered. And I don't think that I'm completely abnormal.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not normal. I don't want to be normal.

But there's a difference between being abnormal and being not normal. Ah, the English language. So beautiful, so confusing. Even to those of us who are "fluent."

Anyway, I'd just like to get inside the mind of the most selfless non-God that ever existed. I say "non-God" because I was going to say human, but Jesus came down and became human and was so utterly and completely selfless that it still flabbergasts me. He didn't just come down, die for our sins, resurrect, and say, "Okay, you guys are good now, right? Peace out."

No. He put on all of our weakness, which is no small feat in itself, and never failed. Made no mistakes. Never had to say, "My bad!" or "I'm sorry." Never. From infancy. No mistakes. Dang.

On one hand, these thoughts and revelations make me look at myself and say, "Dang, you really suck at this."

On the other hand, He didn't come and do everything He did, which again, I cannot fathom, for me to bash myself on a constant basis. He came to give me hope. Hope for the future, yes, that's where I usually focus my hope. But hope for my past, that it has a purpose. And hope for my present. That right here, right now, I can choose right. That living a completely perfect life is possible. If it wasn't possible, why did He say, "Be perfect even as I am perfect"? I usually read that and think, "Pfft, yeah right!"

But, if I read it with hope, I think, "Okay. With His help, I can do this."

I can be selfless. As the saying goes, I can "think of myself less."

I don't have to, or have any need to, compare myself to anyone else. I'm good.

Me and God, we're good.

Want me to talk to Him for you about anything?

A Hard Battle

The more people I meet, the more I think that they're all weird.

And they all have problems.

Clear as Dishwater

We all go through phases. I know I am not alone in this. If I am, please tell me so I can go seek professional help. But I don't think I'm crazy, so I'll continue with my thoughts here.

Comfort

Words fail me.

I miss my friend.

Love and Justice

"Dad! I can see the fire from the sword already!"

"I know son. In a few moments, you'll be able to see everything we lost, as well."

I Want! I Want! I Want!!

I turned 28 last week. Eight days ago.

It feels weird. I think every birthday has felt strange to me.

Stupid ≠ Unsaved

Christians are weird.

Having been one for 5/7 of my life, I'm allowed to say that.

We're do dumb things, too.

We do a lot of stupid things.

Steeeeeeee-rike Three!!

Fear.

That's what I fight.

I'm trying to figure out how to transfer my fear to something better.

My fear is of failure.

Dre-e-e-e-eam

Dreams can be tough.

Especially when you don't tell anyone what they are.

Holy [Trusting] Cow

Wow. I must tell you that I am an emotional basket case right now.

I got in a wreck tonight. The guy in front of me stopped. I didn't.

I tried.
Really.

I Can See Clearly Now

If you have that song in your head now, I'd say we just might be able to be friends.

Life is confusing.

God-Hugs

Thursday night was fun.

I accidentally stabbed my finger with an exacto knife.

Amazingness

Woohoo!! Two posts in one in month. That's gotta be some kind of record.