More Honesty

In my quest to get back in the swing of blogging, I didn't want to break my nearly four months' absence with anything too deep or serious. I wanted to be funny and random and sarcastic.

Yet, I knew I needed to write out what I wrote last night. Somehow, I just knew that if I wrote out the nasty thoughts in my head, and then asked God to speak, He would. That if I got them out of my head, where I could see them with my eyes, God would reveal to me just how wrong those thoughts are, and His truth would shine through.

And He did. 

He's still speaking.

I wanted to come back today and fix the grammar of the world. (I have high expectations.)

But as I drove home from church tonight, I knew I needed to do a little bit of followup. 

Though I never said the word yesterday, the overwhelming emotion I felt was rejection.

Reject.

Such an ugly word. But that's how I felt. For a very long time. I'm not sure where it started, but I tell you with a heart full of joy that tonight, it ended.

I am not a reject.

When I looked back at my past, this false emotion had tainted everything. Feeling rejected, I viewed every action of everyone else as rejection. I thought myself a reject. And so, I sought to avoid rejection. I rejected first or held back my true heart or simply ignored everyone. And when others were off put by my aloofness or whatever, they did not reject me, per se, but I saw rejection. Thus the cycle continued. Don't put yourself out there, because you'll only be hurt.

When I tried to break the cycle on my own, put myself out there for the first time in a long time, if not the first time ever, the pressure of this rejection belief built up to the breaking point. One small sentence in a text sent me reeling.

Rejected.

But I wasn't rejected. Not really.

But those voices shouted out, "SEE?!? I TOLD YOU SO!!"

And God said, "What a bunch of crap."

Maybe He didn't use those words exactly. Maybe He did. That's definitely the attitude.

Tonight, I shared a small slice of this with some friends. I cried. I've done that a lot lately. But I think I'm about done crying over this.

You see, on my drive home, God spoke again.

"You are not a reject. You are chosen."

Now my analytical self could sit here and try to figure out exactly what He means. But, in my heart, I know that will not help. Rather, what I will do now is bask in my chosen-ness. I will be content with this. If you could see me now, you would not see any tears, but a happy, content, sleepy smile. I will trust in Him. I will rest in Him.

Dear readers, whoever you are, I encourage you, in your own moments of weakness or despair, ask God what He's trying to say to you. Whatever He says and however He says it, listen.

"For the Word of God is living and active..."

Active. Now. Here.

Listen.