Terrified

Okay I realize it's been about two months since I've posted anything and that is just pathetic. I am sorry. I have been down a path of self-discovery these past few days which has ended with this: I am terrified to write.
If you don't know me, that might not seem like a big deal.
If you know of me, that might not seem like a big deal.

However, if you know me and know my heart, you know that I love to write. Ever so often, I come back to the point of, "What am I doing here?!" As my best friend put it this weekend, I always come back to writing, but I never do it.
Which got me to asking, (Is that in any way grammatically correct? I don't think so, but I don't feel like editing right now.) WHY?
Why do I never do it?
I mean, I am a master of starting projects and never finishing. I'm even better at planning but never starting. It really is an art form.
But this felt like something different than that. There's more to it.
So, this Sunday at my awesome church during the awesome worship, (I love my church) I found myself opening up about writing. I finally admitted to God that I am terrified. Honestly before this point, I could not have explained anything. Now, I see.
I am terrified to write.
Terrified of failure, of criticism, of rejection, of inadequacy, of embarrasment, all together, of pain.
As I write, I realize that this revelation has been a few weeks (at least) in the making. I don't want to ramble for hours here, but I need to sort this all out and it's kind of happening here in this moment.
You see, over Christmas I went home to beautiful, sunny, warm Phoenix. While there, my family took a day trip to Prescott to play in the snow. Now I will freely and often admit that I hate being cold. Snow is cold. Therefore, my first inclination is to avoid snow. But it can be fun and my dad and brother and cousin Trevor make things even more fun. So we had some inner tubes and a few disks and found a nice big hill. Complete with trees to dodge (one of Ben's requirements). After trudging up the hill in deep snow, I was tired. The thought of being back in the truck with the seat heater on was tantalizing. The thought of sliding down the hill with the possibility of getting hurt (which I avoid as much as possible) and the likelihood of getting colder was not tempting in the least. The compromise of one ride down the hill followed by climbing back in the truck sounded perfect.
So I rode a tube down the hill. I found myself at the bottom, dusted in a nice layer of snow and very cold. And then I got up, grabbed the tube, and started walking back up the hill.
That was fun. One more ride.
Okay more like a dozen more rides. I'm not sure. I lost track once Ben & Trevor made the run twice as long, giving us that much more time to build up that much more speed. I had a blast. At some point in the day, I forgot to care about how cold I was or how much I didn't want to get hurt.
The next day, most of the guys of my family and I went out in to the desert to go shooting. Mind you, we went half way to Prescott (okay not really but it felt like it) and the temperature did not rise. It was cold. Freezing cold. Freaking cold. And I really hate being cold. Therefore, my inclination was to sit in the truck and watch everyone else shoot. But I didn't. I got out, I loaded up some magazines, and I shot. A lot. Ben's gun kept jamming on me, but I learned how to clear it myself and kept shooting. Now I couldn't tell you if I hit any targets or not. Sadly I wasn't keeping track. But I stayed out there well beyond my comfort zone.  And you know what? I had a blast.
As we drove home (after some very yummy In-N-Out) I pondered those last two days.
I have come to this conclusion: if I never step outside my comfort zone, never take any risks, I'll never do anything fun, anything worth note. If I can move beyond my fear of pain, I will have a lot of fun. I know that fear will never really go away, but that's okay, it will keep my safe some of the time. But to let it rule my life and keep me locked up will ruin any chance I have at living a life worth living.
So here I am. Stepping beyond the fear. There's a saying I've heard many times in my life. "Face your fears to live your dreams." Until now, it was just some cliche phrase I used to sound wise. I guess now, it's kind of my life statment.
I've never met someone who actually kept their New Year's resolutions past January, but I've made one that I intend to keep.  I will post something every day. Some days may be a book like today, others may just be a dumb joke or move quote. I make no guarantees. But I will promise this, barring tragedy, I will post something on this blog every day before I go to bed.
There. I've put it out for all the world to see. Tomorrow comes the test...